``It's from the FBI. Looks like the fun's over, kids.''
``It looks like none of us was mentioned in Grandpa's will after all.''
``I can't believe you kids had sex with this many people today.''
``I can't believe the only subject any of you passed was sex education.''
``Bad news, kids--the Visitors need more meat.''
``...and this time, I am going to have them block the `976-' numbers''
``Well, it says this time one of you kids will have to be the sacrifice...''
``I'm sorry kids, but we have to sell you for scientific research.''
``It say's that You must EAT the pills...''
``It's up to you kids: either we sell the pets for experiments, or no Christmas presents...''
``Poor dad. Another letter to Penthouse Forum rejected".''
``Good news kids! The neighbour kids only demands 10$ for Fido's safe return...''
``Dear Kids: Got the letters. Fuck off. Love, Santa''
``I want to tell the story about daddy and the mermaid again.''
``Okay, should it start "Dear Cruel World" or "To you, who have found our bodies"?''
``Tomorrow's the Lottery! Remember to wear your helmets!''
``Oh no, not another one of Grandma's suicide notes!''
``Hey, get this: Medical Testing, $50 a body! Hmmmm...''
``Junior, your teacher says that you've been fucking some chick up the ass in the bathroom at school.''
``Aren't we suppose to wait for Dad to be dead before we hear his will?''
``Who asked Santa for the crack pipe?''
``Hey, look at this! Santa says all of you can rot in Hell!''
``These Penthouse letters sure are neat, aren't they, kids?''
``Too bad the docs for the Orgasmatron are in Japanese. Anyone know Japanese?''
``It says here that Kiddie Porn is against the law!''
``My father ends the letter by saying "women's clothes feel good on a man's body''
``57 bottles of beer on the wall, 57 bottles of beer...''
`` `Hi. My name is Dave Rhodes.' Dammit, that's the fourth one this month!''
``I can't believe it! Kids, some sicko is complaining that your mom runs around the house wearing only a necklace!''
``Why doesn't your wife have nipples?''
``What the fuck?! I never noticed!''
``According to this price guide, I can get $200 each for you little turds, and $400 for your mom.''
``Let me read you the Bill of Rights one more time.''
``Handcuffs and KY not included. Sorry kids, we'll have to use the whip tonight.''
``Wait, here's the interesting part, about the fuel pump...''
``...aparently we never WERE funny...''
``So, here's Grand-daddy's will...''
``My present to the family is paying off this 1-900-she-male bill''
``... please remit before the 15th to avoid foreclosure.
Signed, Grampa.''
``Hey kids, great news: 'Your photos have been accepted for submission to _Orgy_.''
``The first one of you who falls asleep shares my bed tonight.''
``Well, the child welfare people should have you kids out of our hair by Friday.''
``According to this, my farts are caused by eating too many beans.''
``Once upon a time there was a Daddy who liked to wear women's underwear, especially soiled ones.''
``I love you, you love me, we're a...Aw, fuck this!''
``Okay kids; looks like I didn't get that postdoc afterall''
``Listen up everyone; once again, no tenure, so we're in for another year of belt tightening''
``Which one of you little bastards wrote "P.S. Go fuck yourself" on my letter to Grandma?''
``This time I'm sure of it; I promise! The world ends tomorrow at 07:23 hours''
``Dammit! I keep telling you kids to steal mail in the RICH neighbourhoods! We need cash if you want Christmas!''
``I finally got my NAMBLA application!''
``ok.. its says "take three every two hours until diarrhea begins solidification.''
``Congradulations on your purchase of the 6 person "ADULT FUN" Kit''
``... Yours sincerely, Uncle Bob'. Jeez I hate that guy.''
``...Three french kisses, two blow jobs...''
``Your mother and I are afraid we'll have to sell you all off for Medical Experiments.''
``A nice man named Michael Jackson has agreed to watch the kids for the weekend.''
``My sincerest apologies for the plutonium introduced into your water supply...''
``Position #1298: 'One of the men holds the girl wide spread while other girl ...''
``and Aunt Hilda liked the dildo we sent her...''
``See this? Another 5 weeks and we'll have the new record for leaving Christmas decorations up.''
``Dear Consumer: about those Jack-in-the-Box hamburgers you purchased recently...''
``Next question on the birds-and-the-bees quiz, describe the lotus position. Use as many siblings as necessary to demonstrate.''
``Oh, great. Our electric bill is now with the collection agency...''
``Listen to me children or i will beat you''
``Does any one else notice how big the mother's Tits are in this scene???''
``Who wants to go with Uncle Harry to the Philippines this year?''
``Lets see... step D., rub vasoline all over it and insert.''
``You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used in a court of law....''
``Dammit kids! You stupid little assholes! How many times have I told you kids not to cuss in school. Where do you hear shit like that?''
``Hmmmm, says here that Billy is really a 34 year old midget that escaped from the circus.''
``According to this letter form O.J., if I don't let him fuck mommy, he's going to come over and slice you kids to pieces.''
``Okay, Sally, it says to open your mouth like this. Good. Now, Billy...''
``Oh boy, Grandma left us her vibrator in her will!''
``Now Billy, you know you aren't supposed to take your AK-47 to school.''
``On page 10223 of the Clinton Health Care Bill it states....''
``Except for getting poked in the ass, Uncle Joe says prison is just like summer camp.''
``And if Mommy is having good luck, Mommy will give him a fuck.', good rhyme Dolly!''
``Shit, according to this, Santa Claus is dead!''
``I got you all stoned on purpose for this: "your probation officer has denied your request for an early release...''
``Grandma says she included red hash oil in those cookies you ate.''
``We are pleased to announce that our cram school is offering a special New Year's junior high entrance examination cours''
``You suck.''
``I will kidk your butt'.''
``I hate "Family Circus".''
``O.K. We either can keep Bobby anOr... the money. I say keep the cash.''
``Well, everyone, Calvin and Dennis the Menace have both denied Dolly's paternity suits. We'll try Charlie Brown next.''
``Now, let's see... Use number 4 for the dog- a toy for mommy!''
``And this is... hmm, another hate letter!''
``Hey people, lighten up! Our next family orgy will be more satisfactory, I'm sure.''
``It says here "Sorry about the reindeer, but they sure were tasty.''
``Shut up and listen to grandma's letter or it's the basement for all of you!''
``They want $250,000 for Grandma's safe return.''
``It says here that megacephaly isn't uncommon in the children of alcoholic mothers...''
``These dirty pictures are horrible! I thought I taught you kids better!''
``I have a woody!''
``What's this?! Says here that someone's been messing with our captions!''
``Honey your BREASTS are hanging out!!''
``I'm sorry kids, I can't concentrate. You're mom's hooters are just too distracting.''
``It's from President Clinton, It seems he'll be send by a statee trooper for you.''
``Then Santa said, forget the cookies, bend over babe.''
``Daddy, who is David Koresh, and why is he sending us all these notes?''
``This one is from the vet. Damnit, which of you has been fucking the cat's ass?''
``Yep, you're all adopted''
``Just wait till I get my paws on that cat... woof woof!!!''
``Dad, we told you already, we AGREE with Rush . . .''
``Here's another one from that old fat fuck Ed MacMahon. It says we just won ten thousand dollars. Yeah right. Blow me you bastard. Next letter, please.''
``Holy Shit! Mommy's breast enlargement was pretty expensive!''
``Gee whiz, honey! The principal writes here that Dolly has improved on her vaginal muscle control, and her mouth is getting stronger with time! Excellent improvement, Dolly!
I am going to have to check this out for myself.''
``This guy named Jothan writes here that he had fun with mommy in the Bahamas at Easter. Actually, he goes into some pretty amazing detail about the size and shape of Mommy's clitoris. Kids, do you know what a clitoris is?...''
``Not another death threat!''
``Now, according to the scheduale, I'm fucking Billy, PJ and the cat, and your mother is...''
``Looks like they want another porn movie from us.''
``Looks like they want another porn movie from us.''
``How many times do I have to tell you kids this? You fuck them BEFORE you kill them.''
``Look I know this is boring but bowel cancer is a reality!''
``Uh-huh. Looks like Billy got caught whacking off in the gym showers again.''
``Ok, which one of you exchanged the chocolate candies for the chocolate X-Lax?''
``Item 97 on the agenda - None attendance at house meetings...''
``Ok, Which one of you dialed 900 Dial-A-Stud?''
``you,re right. Mommy, this hanging around the house bit IS more fun on acid''
``...Rule 12: Any backtalk means a night in the box...''
``Billy, would you get your fat fucking ass off of my foot, PLEASE?????''
``In response to your ransom demand for my wife and kids, go fuck yourself.''
``Same crap as last year.''
``No daddy, the guys in "Swank don't have bigger dicks than you.''
``Dammit, another paternity suit.''
``We have your daughter!Send us 1,000,000 dollars and I promise you no harm will befall her.''
``Possible side effects of the medication include an oblong head sh...' uh-oh.''
``Recipe for Christmas Cat Pancakes. First, sit on the cat..." ''
``I'm sorry kids, but to pay these x-mas bills, we'll have to start making kiddie-porn.''
``Hey, this letter from OJ gives me an idea.''
``I'm sorry, but our mortgage payments are late, and I'm afraid we'll have to sell one of you.''
``Sorry, kids. Looks like its our night to rent you out as sex slaves again...''
``Okay, Kids! This is the last time... How to facilitate a drug overdose, by Billy Idol.''
``Due to the recession, Santa only hands out crummy cards, not presents..''
``Hey, Uncle Joe died. I think we have time to return his gift!''
``Come on everyone! Dildos are on special this week!''
``Look, kids! Santa gave us an eviction notice!''
``Hooray! My application for a sex change was accepted!''
``It looks like Santa's holding grandma for ransom. It's about time someone takes out that old bat!''
``...and he touched her breast gently with the feather.''
``Dad? When do we get to don our gay apparel?''
``Get this. Some guy's offering us thirty-thousand dollars just to let him film your Mom and me spanking you kids. Hmmmm...''
``Dear, Dolly can't seem to stay awake. Time for a nice big black-coffee enema, I'd say.''
``Looks like Dolly was caught cheating on a test. Billy, you undress her while your Mom gets the razor strop.''
``pirite''
``chris''
``No way ! You want a divorce, you take the kids !''
``Insert peg B into _what_?''
``Ok kids take off your cloths and get the Mazola it's bed time''
``Well, the local pharmacy have invoiced me for 1500 doses of valium.....''
``Let us all remember that baby Jesus had to die because your so bad''
``...and that's why I have to sell all of you for scientific research.''
``Oh no.. YET another totally boring, utterly silly and useless Dysfunctional Family Circus WWW thingie .. this is getting like, REALLY boring - right kids?''
``Sorry, kids, it looks like Grandma IS going to be here for Christmas.''
``I'll bet you would never guess that I'm rubbing myself right now''
``dad do you ever notice that moms tits are sagging''
``Well, I've been making far too many 976 calls so that means Mom has to start turning tricks again.''
``We've all been offered a part in "Faces of Death IV''
``It's a letter from my mistress! God, I wish I could be with her now.''
``Dear Penthouse Forum: I read your letters all the time, but I never thought something like that could happen to me...''
``It says Grandma got ahold of some bad acid on the cruise...''
``In case you were wondering why the cat is grimacing, yes, as a matter of fact I *did* just rip a huge chili fart.''
``It's from Playboy...Hugh didn't like the nude pictures of the kids.''
``Let's kill our parents at midnight... your Bro''
``Your Dad says he'll be back soon, until then, I'm in charge!''
``Excellent!
Honey, the lawyers say we __DO__ have a chance of winning a case against Trojan for these four little pieces of shit.''
``Dolly, can you keep your mouth like that for about ten minutes. Daddy is a little tense.
You four can watch, but I get to spray you all with the wad.''
``Please accept this kitty cat as our christmas gift to your family.
It is very well behaved, and we have trained it to fuck the arm of a chair during family gatherings...''
``I quit my job because Ed says I've won 12 Million Dollars. See, here's the letter.''
`` First I'm going to take off your dress. . . then, I'm going to take off your bra. . .Billy, why is this addressed to YOU?''
``What, I'm fired just for playing on the Internet all day, never doing any work.''
``Ok, who was calling 976-babe?''
``...And then Miss March says,...''
``But I'm bored of those alt.sex.stories printouts, dad...''
``Damnit, another paternity suit.''
``AND NOW PAGE 375...''
``And then he slipped his hand gently up her thigh...''
``And then the farmer's daughter said to the stranger...''
``Honey, the've got great deals on Vagisil!! Let's go!!!''
``And so once again Daddy saved his worthless whining family''
``It says, "'The Simpsons' kick your asses in the comedy department.''
``...and now for the fine print...''
``You are hereby evicted from your house....Merry Christmas''
``...and FastMart's price for one gallon Wolfspit Vodka is...''
``That's pretty low, mistuh. If I had a rubbah hose, I beat you...''
``It looks like a blackmail letter to me. Hey! Come to think of it the milk man's head IS shaped like all of the kids' heads!''
``Grandma's will, and nothing in it for us. Damn!''
``Uh-oh...it says may cause drowsiness, headaches, constipation, and feline gastric dysfunction''
``Stay'n Alive...Stay'n Alive... Ohh, Ohh, Ohh... Stay'n Alive''
``in the sweat of thy brow''
``Say, what _is_ the Danish word for "toothpick?''
``Dad, I'm tired....let's go to sleep!''
``So that's how I solved the halting problem, any questions?''
``Honey, it's another search warrant. Go hide the crack in the baby's diaper.''
``At least he could have made his suicide note a bit more creative. Oh well, full bellies tonight!''
``Mom says she hasn't seen your mouth open that wide since you went crab fishing.''
``Boy, honey, you ain't got nothing on Pamela Anderson.''
``Yes kids I'll be on the OJ Jury for the Next Six Months''
``It's from the bank. They're foreclosing.''
``Grandpa says that he had his prostate removed...and he sent it along with the letter.''
``It's from Frank across the street. He wants to know why we put the dark shades in Dolly's window.''
``Which one of you called 976-FUCK?''
``Okay, who ran up ,574.13 in charges calling 900-4HOTSEX???''
``...alicazam! You are now all hypnotized and under my power.''
``Yeah, we've been cancelled. Says here no one ever thought we were funny.''
``Look, everybody! Barfy must smell my jizz on you kids!''
``Look! Doesn't our wreath look like Mr. Death glowing in the window?''
``Lean over farther, Dear. I can't see your cleavage that way!''
``Okay, Honey. Now open wider so I can ram this envelope down your throat. I said WIDER, GOD DAMN IT!!!''
``All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and....''
``Cut the crap Dad, get to the part where he describes how you lost you work!''
``MAKE.MONEY.FAST: Just five years ago, I was...''
``DJ Crunchie is phat! He's spinning Raleigh!''
``Ohh! Apparently, you're supposed to blow up the sex doll first!''
``Look kids . . .Exlax is on sale!!''
``(I wish Dad would quit hogging the Playboy.)''
``It seems that VISA was unwilling to charge K-Y in a drum.''
``Ia! Ia1 Cthulhu fthagan! Shub-nigurath! Enya! Enya!''
``Cheer up, folks! Since Grandpa got that new super-strength colostomy bag, his Christmas visits aren't nearly as bad.''
``It's a letter from Scruffy at the pound! He says everything's''
``And because I don't like any of you, I'm leaving everything to...''
``...and if I see you having sex with your kids again, I'm calling the police.''
``Okay, Who wants to invite grandma over for christmas dinner?''
``Looks like Norad finally got that fat elf bastard''
``Sorry kids, I guess we can't afford to keep all of you and the pets. So Billy, nice having you as part of the family''
``It says: 'Suck shit and die motherfuckers. Love,Santa''
``Honey, why are there 200 calls to 1-800-BIG-TITS on our phone bill?''
``Dad, enough of the dirty stories, get to the fucking pictures I'm dying for a wank''
``Hey listen to this you bunch of dysfunctional bastards, or the cat gets it''
``Dammit! Penthouse regected our letter AGAIN!''
``...and a new tool box,and a mower, and a portable drill...''
``According to the instructions, Baby can't get his genital piercing along with the rest of us ...''
``Ah! I see Mervyn's is having their 1/2 off condom sale!''
``Honey, even Ed McMahon thinks your tits are droopy!''
``Dear Family, Grandpa's prostate has improved...my vaginal itch is worse. Thinking of you always, Love Grandma.''
``Mommy, we shouldn't have dropped 6 tabs of acid''
``I'm sorry kids, but it's just gonna hafta to be scientific experiments for the lot of you.''
``Ive got a note from the tax office. It says we have to shoot one of the children again!''
``...So then Sam says, "I'll use my four-iron and cut through this rough...''
``Why all the sad faces? At least the guy who kidnapped Grandma took the time to write a ransom note.''
``534 beers on the wall, take one down pass it around ...''
``Dad are you really gonna believe Jim Baker this time?''
``Mommy's Vibrator is broke, Billy, you get to bring her off first''
``I see that the abortion center is having a special for kids who've already been born''
``The kids have scurvy? Do we get a tax break?''
``Once upon a time, all the pornography presses stopped!!!''
``I don't know where this letter came from guys. I don't know any blonde named ju-ju" "I don't know she's blond,I, uh,... I guessed".''
``It's a letter from God. This whole Christianity thing was just a little joke that got out of hand.''
``Dear Tenants, Your claims of carbon monoxide leaks from the furnace are completely wrong ...''
``No, kids, this drawing is all wrong. The penis goes in the VAGINA. Do Mommy and I have to show you again?''
``It says "Dear cable subscriber, we've recently added the Family Channel.''
``Just don't understand how that fuckup Cobain boy wrote them lyrics all drugged and stupid as he was...''
``Okay, kids, listen hard... We're totally bankrupt. Mommy's going to have to sell her body.''
``Stop sucking on my butt plug!''
``Billy! All Fs?? Honey where's my belt?''
``Oh, no! Dad's telling his Weekend Motel Adventure stories again!''
``fucking shit, man!!!''
``You have 30 days to vacate the premisis, Merry Christmas.''
``THis contract is proof that I will stop drinking and abusing my children, Really I swear this time.''
``Upon inserting the letter into the envelope, like tAfter inserting the letter into the envelope, like the seal and close. then...''
``It's the vet bill for extracting your mom's vibrator from the cat's ass. Maybe ne''
``It's the vet bill for extracting your mom's vibrator from the cat's ass. Maybe NEXT time she'll remeber the k-y jelly.''
``How are we ever going to run an effective business if we keep getting letters of complaint aboutour prostitution services?''
``Hey, we got our first fan mail after 15 years of publication!''
``Grandma and grandpa are moving into Shady Pines: Retirement Home/Nudist Colony.''
``Cheer up everyone. It's not as if we're part of the worst long-running comic strip ever or something.''
``it's from the local airbase assuring us that any strange alien-like objects we happen to see when glancing out the window are the products of our own diseased minds and that we should immediately send our children to military school''
``Ok, which one of you shit-burgers ratted Daddy out to the DEA?''
``It says, I'm going to kill you one by one, signed Satan Claus''
``...and so thats how Martha got out of the Institution.''
``I'm afraid we have no choice, we ahve to sell you all for medical research.''
``Dear kids, got the list. Fuck you. Love, Santa''
``MOM DO WE HAVE TO HEAR THIS SHIT AGAIN.!!!!''
``Oh Dad that story 'll never make assmaster.''
``Daddy, why do you always dominate? It's your turn to be slave!''
``Mommy look what I found a subcribtion to playboy should I fill it out and return it!''
``Hey mommy I found the remote the dad's vibrater''
``I'm sorry kids, Santa's dead this year.''
``Hey, what do you know: we are married. They're not bastards, after all.''
``I never believed any of the letters were true until I met Dolly's friend...''
``Here's a job for you kids: 'Looking for young, well-rounded, tasty assistants. Contact Jeffrey Dahmer.''
``OK, Who called 1-900-BLOW-BY-BLOW?''
``Hey! Good news kids, Grandmas' dead, now we can afford to go to Disney Land.''
``I know Kama Sustra was vetter, but we'll have to settle for this now...''
``And billy was brutally sodmized. The End.''
``Well, it says here your real parents want you back. Except Jeffy.''
``Well, P.J., maybe next time you won't let Billy force you to swallow!''
``So waddya think? Penthouse Forum, HERE I COME!!!''
``No, they still had SOME of their clothes on...''
``As a benefit of Platinum Card membership, your baggage is covered against loss or damage when you're traveling as a passenger on a common carrier--and when you'r traveling to and from the terminal for the purposes of boarding or leaving the covered trip. Just charge your tickets in advance with the Platinum Card.''
``...as he gently fondles her voluptous brests his fingers work down...''
``Well, billy ''
``Well, bad news kids! We're on a tighter budget now--next month no food so we can afford Mommy's gin bill.''
``Sorry to inform you, but your cat Toonces has failed the written portion of his drivers exam and will not be getting his license.''
``Please fill out the parent permision form for Billy's Cock Ring.''
``Billy, quick finger-fucking Joan Little!!!!!!!!!!!!''
``I see the strict nine is working! Let's read from the scripture of Jim Jones''
``Shit!! This says that the vibrator requires four D batteries''
``Well, that sucks. Looks like Gandma left us out of the will!''
``Too bad kids, "Nynex does not provide T-1 lines to cartoon families" Looks like we're stuck with dialup!''
``Santa says he's not happy with the fart powder\carrot incident last year, Billy. He has to ride behind Rudolph all over the world, you know.''
``Well Bobby, it says here that your teacher is only satisfied with your dick and not mine anymore.''
``Darn!!! Honey it says here that if the circle is blue then''
``So who's been calling all the 0898 numbers then?''
``Yes kids, I AM wearing a bra!''
``Yes kids, I AM wearing a bra!''
``Someone has been making alot of calls to 1-900-HOT-BUTT...''
``No, Dolly, I won't sign this model release form for Hustler!''
``Look! It's another free admission day at the nude beach!''
``Yo mutha fuckin kids keep cumin here and fuckin beggin for smack. You don't keep um under control and wer gonna staple ya to yer fucki``It says here our family bondage kit has been repossessed.''
``last night was great.....oops wrong card heh heh heh''
``...and I'd also like to sleep with Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer''
``You are NOT going to bed until you've memorized the whole family tree, Dammit!''
``You must all be sold as medical experiments.''
``Uh-huh. Looks like Baby Mion got caught whacking off in the gym shower again!''
``I don't think your mother wants to call the baby 'Santa''
``Since they couldn't find a goose, Scrooge had Tiny Tim fried and served for Christmas dinner instead. Isn't that a lovely thought!''
``Good here at EuroDisney isn`t it? J. Willis''
``I can't believe you shits charged up my VISA! No Christmas this year kids...''
``Dad, do you have the Jan Penthouse?''
``So we put everything on the third horse, in the forth, to WIN!''
``I can't believe that I have been rejected by NAMBLA again!''
``dear, my arse feels furry''
``It says here that I've transmitted HIV to those of you I've slept with''
``Grandpa died and left us $100.00.That cheap bastard...''
``Their must be a mistake... the tests say i've been infertile all my life...right honey?''
``According to this tax form, there will be no more money for Christmas.''
``You can deny respiration and nourishment, but not hydration''
``no kids daddy was not hurting me last night when mommy was screaming''
``do it to me john! right in front of the kids''
``It says here that I've transmitted HIV to those of you I've''
``It says, 'The nuclear explosion should be visible...' -- ooh! There it is now!''
``...And then I wrote this one to your mom when I was in Saigon, and got Ghonnorhea...''
``The mortgage is past due. It looks like another cardboard Christmas.''
``...Bobbit Smurf cried, holding his severed Smurfhood...''
``...'Oooooh,' she moaned as Santa ran his tongue down her...''
``Sorry kids, we're out of money. I have to sell you all for scientific experiments.''
``There won't be any gifts from Grandma. She's been locked up for shoplifting again.''
``Chore #1 is, who's gonna clean up the accident in my pants?''
``It's a subpeona! Which of you little bastards squealed?''
``...please cease and desist from all public displays of anal intercourse with your family and pets''
``God is dead and Rudolph got an aneurysm.''
``Yes, there are reindeer in Arizona. Grandma just got run over!''
``I thought cyanayde was instantaneous...''
``The neighbors have complained again. I'm afraid Barfy will have to be put down this time.''
``Dear Santa: All our kids are little fucking rodents. Skip by our house this year.''
``This letter approves my sex change operation. I hope you all understand.''
``Who keeps making all these calls to 1-900-WET-CUNT?!?!?!?!?''
``Dear, You don't need to bore everyone with your old sex stories!''
``It's from our coven. They want to ritually abuse Jeffy in celebration of the Solstice.''
``...well, there's always the Witness Protection Program.''
``Aw, just keep listening, the part where the elves break out the chainsaws is coming up!''
``The history of all hitherto existing society is the hist...''
``No, Billy, we've still got grounds for a copyright violation suit against Dominus even if he ISN'T making any money off our pictures!''
``It's from Grandma, and judging from the handwriting she was drunk again.''
``It's from Grannie's lawyers; the good news is she's not pressing charges.''
``It's from Grandma. The jail-break went sour and she's in solitary.''
``Please continue my subscription to playboy.''
``Daddy, please don't tell us again how you won mommy in a poker game.''
``Snoopy has fleas, Lucy and Schroeder's love-child is due after Christmas, Pigpen licked himself clean and then dried himself with Linus's blanket, ...''
``Grandpa says everyone will get to see his clostomy at Christmas.''
``Its an ACT UP flyer from Pepperment Patty..that dyke bitch!''
``And they all lived happily ever after. Aren't fairy tales great?''
``... and if you don't deliver the little boy within three days ...''
``Well, according to this if we don't pay by Friday they release our vacation week photos to the press.''
``Boys, The Priest says you don't want to let him play with you.''
``Darn we can't all have sex at the same time anymore.''
``HEy honey what happened to your tits.''
``Dolly, are you practicing to give me a blow tonight''
``I know you're all mad 'cause i made you all give me a blow, but lighten up.''
``Dolly is your mouth stuck again? I guess you'll have to give me another blow until it gets unstuck.''
``That last orgy was a tad expensive...''
``...and that's how babies are made. Now for a demonstration, Billy, would you come up here please?''
``What do we have all this Christmas shit up for. We're Jewish!''
``Then I slowly peeled off her tiny bikini--Hey, this isn't from Uncle Harold?!!!''
``Upon failure to comply, your soul is forfeit for ETERNITY?!!''
``My balls hurt!''
``Dear neighbor, we refuse to tolerate Jews in this building...''
``Daddy, daddy, can we play 'Phallus in the Butt-Palace'...''
``I tried to take a shit in the toilet, but I missed, and I just got a whole bunh of crap all over P. J....''
``Ah, fuck...''
``Thanks, kids, for helping us smuggle that cocaine...''
``Who-oh, here she comes, watch out boy, she'll chew you up, who-oh here she comes, she's a mindeater...''
``Fuck you, dad. You son of a bitch!''
``Don't worry," it says, "We're getting the full oxygen tanks there as quickly as we can.''
``Section A, Article 23-says:all children & wives must fuck daddy''
``OK Tommy, your turn to collect the insurance money by getting hit by the car''
``Zha hoctahr hahs mah hloch-haw hshould chlear uh eye ex eek.''
``How to make money fast. Once, I was poor like you .....''
``..and until you give us your first born, the glowing candle or death will remain!''
``Now here's my plan for selling the kids into slavery...''
``That Calvin boy says either we fork up $5,000 or he'll feed our pets to his tiger.''
``Sorry but this says that you must be sacrificed to Satan.''
``Grandma is happy at the nursing home we threw her in!''