Note: I never update these pages. They are very much out of date. Nevertheless, the game itself is going on and has been with only one major interruption, since 1998. We are presently in the middle of round 77. Complete mailing list archive. [28 October 2003]
The number names in my language follow no particular system of organization, like this:Bleem
So, for example, Night Blindness plus The Truth is Oyster Stew.
This is MUCH better than conventional systems because social science has proven over and again that words are easier to remember than numbers. In a study by Bay Area Rapid Transit, something like 30 percent of commuters could correctly differentiate between the 580 and 680 interstates, while around 90 percent could identify at least 75 percent of a list of area street names.
Further, psychologists assure us that arbitrary and rigid numbering systems do little to guide young people in their quest for self-worth and independence, and impede the evolution of the creative self.
Even more striking is the trend we see that those children with stronger creative sides, whom have trouble getting past the rigidity of our current numbering system, are often left behind in the technological pushes of our information age. These children are left to find different ways of keeping up, and often turn to drugs, alcohol, and television. Their resumes are woefully inadequate and they have hard times finding jobs; the only other solution left to them is affirmative action. With my numbering system, these children have been shown to excel in all categories of science and mathematics.
But the greatest thing about this system has to be the personal accomplishment of finding a number that has not yet been named and giving it a name yourself. Twice a year we have number drives to find unnamed numbers and we take the numbers to homes for elderly, infirm, and mentally challenged children and let them name the numbers. There are few feelings greater in life than bringing joy to others.
This is MUCH better than ordinary yoyos because it helps to promote seriousness and discourage frivolity among our too-amused youth. Soon similar products such as The Clanky [TM] (a heavy chain which will not respond to oscillations by people's hands) and Somber Putty [TM] (an unmalleable rubber paste which can't even be pried from its container) will be unveiled, and properly respectful behavior will again be the norm among children.
This is MUCH better than ordinary umbrellas because poor Jane and Michael here, and those darling twins, are QUITE traumatized enough already from seeing their LAST nanny blow away on that horrid gale of a west wind. I'll thank you VERY much not to stare, we'll be on our way now. Jane! Michael! Do stop clinging to each other and whimpering! Come along!
This is MUCH better than the ordinary packaging because when I discover a hard, blackened Krispie in my morning cereal I can consult its packaging to find its unique Quality Control Batch Number. Once I have the Krispie's number, I can submit it to the quality control staff at Kellogg's, who will consult their massive electronic databases, identify the employees responsible for my defective Krispie, and immediately have them sacked.
All of the lights and appliances in MY home are powered pnuematically via a network of flexible rubber hoses.
This is MUCH better than an ordinary electrical system because my children, who used to complain of muscle spasms and hair loss from the frequent electrical shocks they received while playing in the ductwork, now suffer only mild contusions and the occasional broken limb from their games amongst the bucking hoses that power our home. Except, of course, for Timmy, whom we'll miss very much.
(Ezra J. Kenigsberg)
In MY country, the government requires that all sports be played using standard rules, but with an American football instead of the regulation projectile (be it a ball, a puck, a frisbee, or whatever).
(Ezra J. Kenigsberg)
This is MUCH better than playing sports the ordinary way, because I remember back in August of 2001, the national Sports Projectile Union of Manufacturers (SPUM) went on strike, demanding better pay, fewer hours, and a free cupcake on each member's birthday. Well, President Giuliani didn't go for none of that bulldinky, and he put his foot down. "I'm not going to budge an inch," he said. "There's no discussion, no negotiation, and no bakery products!" Well, the heads of SPUM weren't going to give in, either, so they went and disbanded themselves out of sheer spite. Luckily, there was a factory in Mexico that made American footballs, and because of NAFTA, the President was able to contract them out to supply all of the professional and amateur sports teams in the country (which led to the term "up to one's ears in Mexican footballs" and the short-lived "El Futbol" dance craze). Sure, it took a little getting used to, at first: the footballs didn't bounce very well in basketball, didn't fly very far in baseball, and all the hockey games were scoreless for a while, but in the end, everyone was happy -- we all realized it was a much bigger challenge to play their respective sports with a football, and it really served to let the most skilled athletes distinguish themselves from the merely competent. And anyway, with Giuliani's national police officers standing guard everywhere, who could complain?
In MY house, the walls, floors, and ceilings are all surfaced entirely with mirrors.
This is MUCH better than the ordinary way because lighting matches makes the place look like I'm conducting nuclear tests, but it's okay - the CIA doesn't know until after it's over and Clinton can't do anything about it anyway...
My style is terse. Maybe it is minimalist. Sentences have four words. Some have fewer. None have more. (I count contractions twice.) This beats ordinary writing. It's much better. Here's why...
It prepares us. Someday, it'll happen. Copywriters will write everything. Novels, magazines, school textbooks. Lots of short sentences. It'll seem natural. Because diamonds are forever.
MY car has no wheels. Instead, it has four extremely powerful springs. The car moves by hopping up to 50 feet in any direction.
This is MUCH better than other cars because...