From: Mark Smith (smith@canon.co.uk)
Subject: garbage in, garbage out 
Newsgroups: alt.flame
Date: 1990-07-18 07:27:17 PST

It looks like Ted won't get that job with Small Business Systems after all.
Apparently, this was discovered in the trash behind their offices:

 

             Small Business Systems Inc.
                Esmond, Rhode Island

              Employment Aptitude Test


Please answer as many questions as possible. 
All answers will be treated in the strictest confidence. 
And stop touching yourself.


Name:      Theodore A. Kaldis
           ------------------
Address:   P.O. Box #1212, Lyndon LaRouche Blvd., Woodbridge, NJ.
           ------------------------------------------------------

 

SECTION A: GENERAL KNOWLEDGE AND APTITUDE


Please complete the following statement: "If God had intended me to put things
in my anus, He'd have given me..."

   (a)  a prostate gland
   (b)  smaller fists

Answer:  (b) and He would have made it easier for me to see what's going on
         ------------------------------------------------------------------
         down there without having to use a mirror.
         ------------------------------------------

 

In the novel "Breakfast of Champions", author Kurt Vonnegut uses a simple
graphic to represent the anus.  Which of the following is it, and why?

   (a)  *
   (b)  o
   (c)  O

Answer:  (a) because it is tight and puckered like mine the way God intended.
         --------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Which of the following was responsible for the outbreak of World War II?

   (a)  Nazis
   (b)  Jews
   (c)  homos
   (d)  banks

Answer:  (b), (c), and (d).  Jewish homo bankers attacked Pearl Harbor.
         --------------------------------------------------------------

 

SECTION B: COMPUTING KNOWLEDGE AND APTITUDE


If your anus was a Unix system call, which of the following would it be?

   (a)  open()
   (b)  accept()
   (c)  seek()
   (d)  exit()

Answer:  (d) because the anus is an exit.
         --------------------------------

 

If another programmer attempted to pass your anus to any of the
system calls other than your answer to the previous question, which
of the following error states would you return?

  (a)  ENOENT
  (b)  E2BIG
  (c)  EWOULDBLOCK
  (d)  EINPROGRESS

Answer:  (b) because I keep my anus tight and puckered at all times.
         -----------------------------------------------------------

 

Which of the following does not belong?

   (a)  Marvin Minsky
   (b)  Norbert Wiener
   (c)  John Von Neumann
   (d)  Alan Turing
   (e)  Mayor McCheese

Answer:  (d) because he was a stinking homo.
         -----------------------------------

 

What is the common error in the following C program fragment?

   int equal_strings( s1, s2 )
   char *s1, *s2;
   {
      return( strcmp( s1, s2 ) = 0 );
   }

Answer:  Was it written by a homo?
         -------------------------

 

Interviewer:  Rear Admiral David Edward Ryan

Grade:        C+

Comments:

  Applicant is, if anything, even more obsessed with the 'h' word than us.
  Refused drug test on the grounds that "people were always trying to get 
  a look at Mr Meat".  Secretary says when asked how he liked his coffee, 
  applicant first shouted "black, like my men", then "no, white and milky", 
  before lapsing into a catatonic state.  Applicant eventually recovered 
  and asked where the men's room was, but refused to use it, claiming 
  it was "full of enema bags".  Employment prospects unlikely, unless the 
  games department will need customer support people when Brownshirt Bill 
  In The Land Of The Bum Bandits is released.  Nice jackboots, though.

 

It's certainly a relief to know that the critical mass of bigots at
Small Business Systems won't be increasing just yet.  However, it does
seem that the laws regarding permissible questions to ask potential
employees could be tightened up a bit.  And puckered.  Like Ted's anus.

=========================================================================
 Mark Smith                                            smith@canon.co.uk
 Canon Research Centre Europe                   ..ukc!uos-ee!canon!smith
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 "Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand,
  or are you mongoloids really talking about me?"  -- Ignatius J. Reilly